im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
