this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
