I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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