You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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