ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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