He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
