Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
