Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
is that a dick in a sweater?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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