Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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