the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
