seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
