the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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