At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
