After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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