I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
