How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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