sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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