He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
