I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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