i think my tv is drunk
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
