Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
