Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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