I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
