i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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