my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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