Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
