I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
