A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize