You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
