I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
