i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
