im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
