Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
