I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
