Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
