Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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