Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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