when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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