She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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