Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
