i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
