i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
