Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize