So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
FUCK WHALES
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