we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I know her cup size but not her name....
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