He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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