you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
