while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
