Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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