Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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