I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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