The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
