I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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