I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
