she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
