if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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