I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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