Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize